why is it comparison that drives me?

it shows me who I presume I should be

it shows me worlds I may never know, but I should, right?

it's sometimes my only friend --- the most destructive relationship I have, actually.

it makes me think of just how confident I am not

it makes me realize that i am not where I should be

 

ha.

 

i'm not where i should be.

a word can do that?

a habit of using comparison in my thoughts daily has this unsettling power over me?

i believe so.

i have wanted to see it flee, disappear.

but i hold it so closely that it never has the chance to.

it's my drug.

without it i am unsure if i am following the right path.

this path i've made up with Comparison's help.

She's always got my back in the worst of ways.

she always wants to share with me what i'm missing 

she always makes sure i am not content 

 

she seeks to destroy me. 

and she's doing an excellent job. 

she will forever be this -- tempting teacher that guides me further toward my grave

she never genuinely listens to me.

i'm always asking her what she thinks.

i am following her around, waiting for her to tell me what i am incapable of next.

 

man. she's brilliant. 

I couldn't do what she does.

ah, here I am again.

it seemed so subtle, but not really.

this was expected. 

she's got me in this sickening cycle, without an escape.

she's so proud of herself.

she gleams with joy. 

she is over appreciated.

she is awfully patient. 

she waits as i let my stirring thoughts come up with a doubt filled question for her to answer. 

she grows with excitement coming up with something that will tear me apart.

she will be there every day, at any hour.

she will be there to welcome me to her dark demeaning existence.