Every time I drop the beat I remember there isn't a beat behind me

But if I think about a beat behind my words it creates motivation

It's not even the beat that keeps me moving, it's what happens from the combination

This is okay.

When I'm saying words I'm not quite sure make sense

It's more foggy than it will ever be clear

It's okay. I can do that here. 

The only reason there's fear in it all is because of the concern of the thoughts

The thoughts that don't truly exist but I've created them to create a standard

That's not the truth. 

But I continue looking for those standards

Show me the way

Get me to the right place 

Let me see where I have to be

And I'm here. 

I can't forget that I'm here. 

Maybe the idea of "staying" is terrifying. 

But what does that terror stem from?

I'm not the only one in a fog.

I'm not the only one feeling and thinking a million different things at one time.

To believe I'm the only one is distancing myself.

There are others.

They may not seem visible.

But perhaps it's because they've decided to wear a similar mask to mine.

this blank slate is sure to pose questions 

i have an answer so i should write about it

i should write about what i'm feeling and why i feel that way

too many of them

way too many of what i'm unsure of, maybe

but i'm actually sure of this

still doesn't mean i'm filled with an abundance of words

what if it isn't something i can do

so easily the clanging begins

clearly wrapping around each positive thought and holding it captive for other uses 

this is important too

not to know what to say

this is important to be in on this part

every part has a purpose

right?

what is it that i'm fighting for these days?

where does this all come from? where do these questions come from?

i like that this doesn't have to make sense. 

I am able to write words and let them be words. 

or glimpses of ideas i kind of have but don't want to fully describe all of it 

so this is where it all is

these words could hold so much depth

or maybe they don't 

but i'm glad they don't have to fit a structure

even though the wiring of my brain longs for that 

it just comes in with the snow and the cold and the dark

not just feelings. 

it's much darker than that.

it's suffocating in such a way that i never expected it

i've never welcomed this. i've never invited it.

 

so unexpected, this dense fog holding me

holding me in such a way that i never intended

like i said, i've never wanted this

to just stand there and be so unaware of this small, yet significant absurdness 

it's like a small tragedy that no one can see but me

it's all mental, of course.

but i now wonder where it comes from

why is there something. why must there be something after what i have noticed is my joy

 

maybe the joy isn't all encompassing like i think sometimes.

there's just enough of a gap for a threat

my mind nor my heart can keep up with it all

it's as if i'm falling, but not in a way where i know i'll be picked up

it's all so sudden.

uncomfortably sudden 

why is it comparison that drives me?

it shows me who I presume I should be

it shows me worlds I may never know, but I should, right?

it's sometimes my only friend --- the most destructive relationship I have, actually.

it makes me think of just how confident I am not

it makes me realize that i am not where I should be

 

ha.

 

i'm not where i should be.

a word can do that?

a habit of using comparison in my thoughts daily has this unsettling power over me?

i believe so.

i have wanted to see it flee, disappear.

but i hold it so closely that it never has the chance to.

it's my drug.

without it i am unsure if i am following the right path.

this path i've made up with Comparison's help.

She's always got my back in the worst of ways.

she always wants to share with me what i'm missing 

she always makes sure i am not content 

 

she seeks to destroy me. 

and she's doing an excellent job. 

she will forever be this -- tempting teacher that guides me further toward my grave

she never genuinely listens to me.

i'm always asking her what she thinks.

i am following her around, waiting for her to tell me what i am incapable of next.

 

man. she's brilliant. 

I couldn't do what she does.

ah, here I am again.

it seemed so subtle, but not really.

this was expected. 

she's got me in this sickening cycle, without an escape.

she's so proud of herself.

she gleams with joy. 

she is over appreciated.

she is awfully patient. 

she waits as i let my stirring thoughts come up with a doubt filled question for her to answer. 

she grows with excitement coming up with something that will tear me apart.

she will be there every day, at any hour.

she will be there to welcome me to her dark demeaning existence. 

It's Not Always So

It's all great, just swaddled in clean white blankets

nothing broken can escape here

bound within lies, all of that fear that I've been wanting to get rid of for years

But I haven't

I want everything to go as it should

I want it all to be settled

There's that powerful storm that I've ignored for this

A supposed tidied up spot in my soul

a place where only one can see how much toll is weighing on me

it's where I'm known so well 

It's not even all that dark

but the weight forced into my heart

does not always speak, "It is well."

cause it's not always so well

it's not always so good with my soul, 

feeling like all control is above me 

and I am free to be who I am 

it's not always so simple

it's not always upbeat, light hearted, and delightful

                    nah.

this world comes with its sufferings 

we've been promised that, I know

we've been promised that we'll always go through times where we can't see the glow

of the beauty, of the peace, of the life that surges within us

that life's not always there to ignite all we are

but the light within the life never fully goes away

it waits and sees through all the mysteries, waiting for the day where we won't stand for that 

hopelessness anymore

where we let the light take over and we don't have to say

because there's something much greater that restores what we've allowed to be ruined in a day